lol I'm just gonna copy and paste this from my other blog :) oh and I moved to tumblr BECAUSE I GIVE INTO PEER PRESSURE ^_^
So yeah...I started this blog to partly help improve my English and partly because I think it would be cool to look back at my life through this kind of medium (I'm almost sure there were grammar errors there) Anyway, here's a DISCLAIMER: I'm not that interesting of a person, so if you find anything on here that is not interesting, remember, I didn't tell you to read my blog, you're viewing it at you're own risk ^_^ Wow this is a long.
Changing people is hard. Changing lifetime habits is hard. Though as much as it’s easy to get by in life not changing, it will catch up to you, no matter how long you decide to put it off.
But when does it all catch up to you? It sort of is like that cliche climax in a movie where the main character has an epiphany and finally realizes that he/she needs to change because at one point, the problem immensely affects their family, best friend, or even a significant other. Causing this pain is much needed though, there needs to be some memorable event that breaks the cycle of ignoring the need to fix that flaw.
Caffe Strada, 9am, the Saturday after finals, she sits across from me at the table as we force polite conversation withholding the topic at hand at the back of our minds. I waited for the pause in conversation and asked: “so what did you wanna talk about?” Though I knew exactly what she was confronting me about, I planned to apologize and make things right and move on.
But it wasn’t that easy.
She felt betrayed, and I did betray her and her trust, and completely did the opposite of what her and her sister’s expectations were of me. She decided to take an indefinite break from our friendship until she could trust me again.
Damn.
I had to agree with her decision, because I really did do some messed up shit, and it was better than not being friends ever again. But damn, our friendship will never be the same again.
As much as it does suck, it was the price I had to pay, else I’d never snap out of my cycle of continued immorality which has affected so many relationships in my life.
It makes me think though, was it possible for me to deal with this problem on my own without casualties? Or are some problems only solved this way?
Read this in wired magazine about the New York sex trade:
What About the Pimps?
It’s hard out there for a pimp—especially now. Changes in the sex industry have rendered them superfluous. I met 11 pimps working out of midtown Manhattan in 1999, and all were out of work within four years. One enlisted in the military; two have been homeless. Only one now has a full-time job, working as a janitor in a charter school. I asked one of them how pimping experience helps him in the legit economy: “You learn one thing,” he said. “For a good blow job, a man will do just about anything. What can I do with that knowledge? I have no idea.”
I spent the last hour explaining to my friend how f’d up I was to girls back in high school. We were exchanging secrets, and was on the topic: “one of the things you’ve done that you regret the most.” I know my high school friends only know the very tip of the iceberg about all of this, which is one of the reasons why I wanted to leave socal and go to school in Berkeley; I wanted to start off with a fresh, new slate.
I’m glad that I haven’t repeated myself to the same extent up here in college, but nonetheless, I’m still pretty complicated.
I was looking down at my phone today, which has a reflective mirror cover, and I noticed the chin under my actual one becoming a lot more distinct. ><
Drinking Water + Running + Perfect Push Ups. Yes.
Me being up at 8:30 AM only suggests one thing, I’ve gotten barely any sleep and I’m studying very last minute lol For some reason, the week where I have three midterms, was the only week where I didn’t plan studying ahead of time lol Instead of studying hella this weekend like I should have.
I spent Friday night watching the debut of Jeremy Lin, the first Asian American basketball player (in a very long time) live at the Oracle Arena followed by Sumo Grub.
Saturday I went shopping at Emeryville, where we drove a car around and got free movie tickets haha.
Sunday, was basketball practice and PBL costume bowling!
Not that it was a crazy Halloween weekend or anything, I just didn’t give much thought when I decided to do these things lol and now I’m sitting here cramming for anatomy today since I spent much of my other study time into econ during the weekend, and then going right into physics for my midterm tomorrow which I haven’t studied at all for hahaha. Oh well, hope it all goes well =P
Second round of midterms are upon me, three in a row, Tuesday - Thursday, I got worried about the lack of studying I’ve done for all three of them…
but then I stopped worrying.
I have complete faith in God that he will provide no matter what. That I walk backwards in life, leaving my complete trust in God to guide me the right way, while seeing all the great things he’s done in front of me, as Pastor James put it. He’s always done wonders for me and he’s never failed me, so why should I worry now?
“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”
-Matthew 6:33-34
Argh it took me two hours tonight to get home from Oakland airport! When I arrived at the Oakland Coliseum, there was a power outage in downtown Oakland at the BART stations. The announcer described that there would be “major, major” delays.
Not knowing how long it would take to get back, I didn’t know whether I should wait it out or try to get someone to swing by and pick me up. Since it coulda been a hella long time before the BART could resume, I decided to give a few friends a call and ask.
The weird thing though is that I really didn’t want anyone to pick up when I called them lol. I really, really, really, hate inconveniencing people, and I feel bad when i do >< I think I just called people mainly so I didn’t feel stupid by just letting myself sit there waiting for the BART for however long it would take lol.
You’ll never know exactly how I feel about you…
because I’m afraid of the consequences,
because I really value our friendship,
because you’ll never look at me the same way,
because I’m embarrassed to admit how you make feel when I think of you,
because I promised myself I wouldn’t let myself fall for you—though I can’t help it,
because I want to keep the way we make each other happy,
because I’ve accepted not knowing what could’ve been,
because it’s not the right time, nor will it ever be,
because that’s just the way it is.
As my head was bowed in prayer, the start of a familiar guitar riff filled the air and stirred within me an excitement that I only feel when standing in front of a metal folding chair on Sunday afternoons. I turned to my friend, who is new to hearing about the word, and told her: “this is one of my favorite songs.” I lifted my head, closed my eyes, smiled, and just let words of worship flow out of me.
Though I recalled every word of the song with ease, the words: “your glory goes beyond all fame,” had strangely connected with me, and I realized that this was the perfect thing I needed to praise at this point in my walk with God. Sometimes I really do forget that Him and His glory is above all else.
I NEVER post about my Christian life but hey, it’s something that’s really on my mind right now, and where else to post my thoughts than on my blog? =P It’s funny too, the speaker today spoke about being a witness of God means not only reserving Sundays for Him, but also witnessing Him to others the rest of the days, being a true witness and not a silent one. I guess this is a start =P
Anyway, today was the first time I saw a blog post written directly to me. I’m not sure how to respond, but I guess I really need to talk to her soon. It sucks because I feel like she really doesn’t understand me, but I guess it’s my fault for not communicating to her enough.
